The Future walked through our front door yesterday for the first time since Christmas Eve. We were not planning on seeing him on Easter, so it was an unexpected and welcome surprise.
When he came in the front door, I jumped up to hug him. I noticed, not for the first time, that he is taller than I am. Not just a little bit taller, I have to stand on tip toes to put my arm around his neck.
The Future is now an adult and he is doing an admirable job of managing his life. He is currently facing uncertainty in his job. And he is handling that stress like a pro. Days like this make me realize that there nothing in my Mommy Bag of Tricks that can fix his specific situation. I have never had to deal with anything remotely similar to his current reality.
It’s a delicate balance of being a parent and having an adult child. The Schatz and I don’t always get it right. While there are hundreds of reference books available for parents to help you though all the different stages of childhood, I have yet to find a manual on how to be a parent to an Adult Child.
I spent yesterday reflecting about The Future. How he became the person he is today, how much can be directly attributed to my influence and how much he learned on his own. The moment after he was born, when the doctor announced The Future was a he, I thought “Make the most out of the next 18 years, because then he’ll be gone.” And I did. Although I had a career, I walked that delicate balance of women everywhere, and gave up my personal life (that which makes me The Franchise), knowing I had a very small window to spend with The Future.
We shared a lot of laughs. A lot of books. His friends were always welcome. I encouraged him in any interest he developed, from sketching dinosaurs at the Museum of Natural History, to annual trips to the Bronx Zoo, wrestling (ask me about The Undertaker), to his love of competitive sports. He taught me as much as I taught him.
I tutored him when he couldn’t follow his class work and openly and enthusiastically encouraged his love of college basketball. We are fortunate to live in a town that provided enough security that we could let him go as he started on his personal road to Independence. He made some questionable decisions during those years, but he got more right than wrong, and he developed his own style.
I opened Mommy School. The Future attended Mommy School each summer when he grew too busy for summer camp. At the beginning of the semester we would chose a Life Project. And the summer was spent learning until he was ready to graduate and move on to the next Life Project. At the time, I told him I did not want some woman cursing me out when he got married, but in reality, it gave me a little more time with him. A little more time that was just ours, when I could tarry just a little bit longer in my role as his parent.
And so he learned to cook and how to do laundry. He learned to shop. We reviewed the benefits of a healthy diet. The lessons continued into college as we worked on selecting an appropriate work wardrobe. I also taught him the benefits of a well composed thank you note. And he has carried all these lessons into his life.
When The Future left for college he was prepared in many ways that his friends (both those he left behind and those he made in college) were not. He would still need help, both financially and emotionally, but slowly, during his pursuit of his degree, he became able to handle the fast breaks that life threw him. The Future has not lived with us since he was 20. He graduated on time and has a job in his chosen profession. The profession he selected when he was 14.
I am occasionally asked if I have children. That question makes me pause. Yes, I gave birth, but I wouldn’t consider The Future my child. He is an adult. He has a wicked sense of humor and if you look up the term Hard Work in the dictionary, you will see his picture. I think he looks like The Schatz. (Although I take secret pleasure in knowing he inherited my eye color.) I am proud of him and often wonder how much input I had in who he is today.
I know what The Future would say. And I laugh because I felt the same at his age. What I discovered during the last 30 years is sometimes we are who we become because we chose to do the opposite of what our parents did. And so I wonder, what The Future will take with him. And what lessons he will have to modify for his children.
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